Umm, what kinda car do you drive?

It was a Tuesday afternoon when I got her call. (Can you imagine my excitement when I received the pivotal call that changed my life?) She was all things celebrated and distinguished. Every designer wanted to work with her. I had become the CHOSEN ONE! ( she obviously reads my blog full of essential, up-to-date, fundamentally pivotal material!)

When I got to the house I expected simple, elegant and sophisticated style. What I found was an archaic, prehistoric shack. No worries. I am a designer, a mythical, creative creature...the thing legends are made of. (The chosen one!) I will simply hang my designer flag high, wave my wand, splash on some paint and create what I like to call, design magic. As I waited to meet with the painter, a highly referred, renowned, well known, respected, acclaimed and popular painter, I sat outside my client's shack waiting. After 15 painstakingly restless minutes I called the painter. "where the hell are you?" "I have been here for 20 minutes, our appointment was at 9!"

To my satisfaction he was there, to my disgust he had been sitting in her driveway! ( to keep you all up to speed, I drive a mammoth 40 ft gray van that has BIG letters all over it that Japan could see on a clear day.) I hopped out of my MAMMOTH van to walk up to her house. I looked everywhere for his MAMMOTH sized PAINTERS van. So help me GOD he is not here!! And with colossal and monumental swiftness this blonde haired casanova stepped out of a 2009 Mercedes convertible 500 SL.

I am beautiful painter, no?

As a designer I am often stereotyped as having unconventional, labeled and animated behavior. Over the top, vibrant conduct with uber expensive taste. Now this description, as colorful and exciting as it sounds doesn't exactly explain my breed of operation. I fell a few short miles off the satisfactory truck, somehow managing to squeeze myself past the "extraordinary" design express lanes catapulting myself into "extra" ordinary at warp speed. But unlike the extraordinary, desirable, high-priced designer, I am the working girl's guide to economy sized, accessible, imagination that meets your design dreams all within budget. I can screw, glue and make it new, all with a handy glue gun and a paperclip; at a fraction of the price. An amateur I am not, but with this coming attraction you will not find anything more than a low-key campaign of modest, understated design conduct; simply put, flip flops, cotton shirt, a little chapstick and a MAMMOTH sized gray van.

This may be disappointing to some. The magnetism and charisma of such glamour and mystique a high-priced designer affords can seem important and momentous. Positively assuring that without question this will result in an unfalteringly beautiful home, all because that designer can afford $300 shoes, a fancy car and an important organization she calls "enterprise", (and as her client you will spend thousands funding that obsession.) I firmly believe that my TARGET shoes are just as good as miss goodie too choos, and I am no less of a designer. Just because Im directionally challenged and missed the extraordinary express lane is besides the point.

HE calls himself a painter? I couldn't believe the horror I was seeing. My immediate nausea told me to run. Slick, smooth and greasy I couldn't decide if this was real or a scene from the Sopranos. His words slippery as shoe polish he announced he was in fact the painter. Recommended? Dear GOD, what have I gotten into. (Can you imagine my excitement when I received the pivotal call that changed my life?) Well despite my disgust, nausea and gut wrenching intuition that told me to run, I moved forward with Dick Tracy. And oh how this poor judgement did change my life! I tried to convince myself that he was a highly referred, renowned, well known, respected, acclaimed and popular painter. Well, 2 drywall repairs, six total trim tear outs of crown base and chair rail, two toilets, 10 door replacements, a lawsuit and 12 months later, I realized that Dick Tracy was not the highly referred, renowned, well known, respected, acclaimed and popular painter on my list. Not even on my shit list. I may not wear the fancy clothes, drive a mercedes or have the fancy choos, but an amateur I am not. I am fair, affordable and I drive a MAMMOTH gray van so that I can do my job the best that I can possibly do and that is my breed of operation! So if your gut tells you that a painter who drives a mercedes seems excessive, RUN!!!!!!!!